miércoles, 16 de octubre de 2019
Sometimes I travel in time.
I lie down, close my eyes and go to the past, to a moment of my childhood when I felt scared, misunderstood or despised, and I give myself a big hug until we both calm down.
Of course, doing this I'm altering the past and creating a new timeline in which I grow up knowing what secure attachment feels like.
When I come back, the present has changed. A little bit.
jueves, 29 de agosto de 2019
You.. All the songs talk about this mysterious being.
I mentally scanned my list of friends and acquaintances, looking for someone like that.. Nope. I didn't wish anybody was there.
Do You even exist? Who are You?
miércoles, 21 de agosto de 2019
sábado, 17 de agosto de 2019
miércoles, 31 de julio de 2019
viernes, 26 de julio de 2019
domingo, 21 de julio de 2019
He would do anything to make his life unique, even destroy himself.
And he really needs to feel the storm, so he proceeds.
And I sit there and watch because I wouldn't change a bit of what he is.
I can't help loving him. Or maybe just the fact that he exists.
He's the most beautiful chaos, a wonderful pain.
All my life I've been hearing people telling me that my personality is too much. I'm too stubborn, too impulsive, too emotional, too analytical. Too much!
But a few weeks ago something terrible happened and it was my personality that saved the day.
Of course, all the other times that nothing terrible is happening, the hurricane under my skin, which can extinguish the largest of fires, seems too much for most.
What can I say.. I hope you never find yourself in need of someone like me. On the other hand, I can't express how much I love all those people who realised my real potential before they had to see me using it.
domingo, 7 de julio de 2019
martes, 2 de julio de 2019
domingo, 9 de junio de 2019
1585 days ago I decided to start a therapy and 39 days ago I decided to be happy. It took me fucking 1546 days to decide to be happy LOL!
I can't even count all the times in that period that I thought life was pointless. On the other hand, I can't count the number of times that I felt like it didn't need to be meaningful to be worth living.
But now.. now it's been 39 days without even thinking about pictures, without opening this file where I write down and order my thoughts. Without getting to a transcendental conclusion and sharing it. Without feeling guilty about it. 39 days of living and loving and feeling and sensing and being myself. Without needing anyone, pushing anything, or wishing things were different.
Without wishing it was a round number instead of 39! Hi there, obsessive personality, I see you. You are cute sometimes but not in control anymore. Thanks for letting me pilot the ship.
I've been investing so much time and energy getting ready for this, and now it seems so easy. Happiness seems easy I mean.
jueves, 30 de mayo de 2019
jueves, 2 de mayo de 2019
Have you ever played a slot machine?
You put a coin in, pull the handle and you may get the jackpot or not. So whatever happens, you will most likely do it again. And again. Every time you feel more scared to lose all your money and the dream of winning the jackpot seems more and more pleasant in your imagination. After a while, you feel like you have invested too much to just leave and let the next person to arrive pull the handle once and win the jackpot.
This is called intermittent reinforcement and it's so addictive because of the way it destabilises our levels of serotonin and oxytocin in the brain.
If you think you are in a toxic relationship, think about if your partner is using intermittent reinforcement, on purpose or not. Look for inconsistencies. Perhaps they are very sweet and supportive and they criticise the way you speak. Maybe they surprise you from time to time with thoughtful gifts and sometimes ridiculise you in front of their friends. It's possible that they say loving things and then are mean when you are sick. Probably they promise to spend more quality time with you and then cancel plans last minute.
And for sure, when you try to explain what's going on to them, they blame you saying that you are too demanding and jealous, you are imagining things. They ridiculise your feelings through invalidation and your self esteem is already so low that you buy it!
The pattern that intermittent reinforcement follows is that there is no pattern, the consequences don't depend on your behaviour, but are erratic and random. Unpredictable.
What you feel does follow a pattern: fear, love, fear, love. You tolerate the fear hoping for the love, and when the love arrives, it validates the assumption that the fear suffered before was worthy.
You could ask.. Who is stupid enough to let themselves into such crap? Well, it doesn't happen all of a sudden, it starts slowly, with small things. Inconsistencies.
I'm sharing this because if I had known what intermittent reinforcement was a while ago, it would have spared me a lot of trouble and mental suffering. Maybe someone reads this today and wakes up from the nightmare I was living in not that long ago.
martes, 26 de marzo de 2019
lunes, 25 de marzo de 2019
Being born in a place where it rains most of the time, you can feel either upset for the usual bad weather, or grateful for the occasional good weather.
Being born a depressive person is pretty much the same thing.