domingo, 7 de julio de 2019

domingo, 9 de junio de 2019

Round numbers



1585 days ago I decided to start a therapy and 39 days ago I decided to be happy. It took me fucking 1546 days to decide to be happy LOL!

I can't even count all the times in that period that I thought life was pointless. On the other hand, I can't count the number of times that I felt like it didn't need to be meaningful to be worth living.

But now.. now it's been 39 days without even thinking about pictures, without opening this file where I write down and order my thoughts. Without getting to a transcendental conclusion and sharing it. Without feeling guilty about it. 39 days of living and loving and feeling and sensing and being myself. Without needing anyone, pushing anything, or wishing things were different.

Without wishing it was a round number instead of 39! Hi there, obsessive personality, I see you. You are cute sometimes but not in control anymore. Thanks for letting me pilot the ship.

I've been investing so much time and energy getting ready for this, and now it seems so easy. Happiness seems easy I mean.

Cool 😎

jueves, 30 de mayo de 2019

jueves, 2 de mayo de 2019

Intermittent reinforcement



Have you ever played a slot machine?

You put a coin in, pull the handle and you may get the jackpot or not. So whatever happens, you will most likely do it again. And again. Every time you feel more scared to lose all your money and the dream of winning the jackpot seems more and more pleasant in your imagination. After a while, you feel like you have invested too much to just leave and let the next person to arrive pull the handle once and win the jackpot.

This is called intermittent reinforcement and it's so addictive because of the way it destabilises our levels of serotonin and oxytocin in the brain.

If you think you are in a toxic relationship, think about if your partner is using intermittent reinforcement, on purpose or not. Look for inconsistencies. Perhaps they are very sweet and supportive and they criticise the way you speak. Maybe they surprise you from time to time with thoughtful gifts and sometimes ridiculise you in front of their friends. It's possible that they say loving things and then are mean when you are sick. Probably they promise to spend more quality time with you and then cancel plans last minute.

And for sure, when you try to explain what's going on to them, they blame you saying that you are too demanding and jealous, you are imagining things. They ridiculise your feelings through invalidation and your self esteem is already so low that you buy it!

The pattern that intermittent reinforcement follows is that there is no pattern, the consequences don't depend on your behaviour, but are erratic and random. Unpredictable.

What you feel does follow a pattern: fear, love, fear, love. You tolerate the fear hoping for the love, and when the love arrives, it validates the assumption that the fear suffered before was worthy.

You could ask.. Who is stupid enough to let themselves into such crap? Well, it doesn't happen all of a sudden, it starts slowly, with small things. Inconsistencies.

I'm sharing this because if I had known what intermittent reinforcement was a while ago, it would have spared me a lot of trouble and mental suffering. Maybe someone reads this today and wakes up from the nightmare I was living in not that long ago.

martes, 26 de marzo de 2019

lunes, 25 de marzo de 2019

Getting upset with the weather



Being born in a place where it rains most of the time, you can feel either upset for the usual bad weather, or grateful for the occasional good weather.

Being born a depressive person is pretty much the same thing.

domingo, 24 de marzo de 2019

jueves, 21 de marzo de 2019

Prioridades



No intentes encajar, no sirve de nada.
No busques aprobación, no la necesitas.
Confía en tu instinto, suele acertar.

lunes, 18 de marzo de 2019

jueves, 14 de marzo de 2019

Cubismo



Hace diez años descubrí que el cubismo era guay. Antes de eso no me gustaba porque el marrón me parece un color muy aburrido.

Fue la primera vez que me di cuenta de que, cuando algo no te gusta, suele ser porque no lo entiendes del todo.

miércoles, 13 de marzo de 2019

Scotch eggs



It was almost the end of the spring and I had been thinking about it for months. Many things were happening around me and I realised that I deserved better. Anyone deserved better. Fucking Satan would have deserved better.

However, I didn't do anything about it, I just waited for it to dissolve. Maybe feeling guilty for actively giving up? Well, it's safe to say that I was feeling guilty for absolutely everything back then.

I haven't cried myself to sleep ever since, or spent a whole day without laughing out loud at least once. Nobody has made me feel guilty for being sad. Nobody has humiliated me in front of others. Nobody has put the responsibility of their own emotional distress on my shoulders.

Life doesn't need to be like that.. Thank the baby fucking Jesus!

lunes, 11 de marzo de 2019

Narcissists



The other day I had my best and my worst date so far.

On the same night and with the same guy.

miércoles, 6 de marzo de 2019

Sweet dreams



I've noticed that for some people what I do has become a "trend". Every now and then I get a message letting me know that someone has copied my ideas. Of course they call it "inspiration". I call it "appropriation". What's the difference? Let's see what the dictionary says.

inspiration (noun): The process of being mentally stimulated to do or feel something, especially to do something creative.

appropriation (noun): The action of taking something for one's own use, typically without the owner's permission.

Full stop.

This makes me sad because I think inspiration is such a great thing, but I'm not inspiring shit on those people. If I was inspiring them, they would think about the weird dream they had last night, they would feel the events of their life deeply and reflect about them. They would take all those emotions and find a way to express them, getting to know themselves better on the way. But I'm not inspiring them. I'm just giving them fuel to keep their machines working, looking for money, fame and meaningless crap like that.

This makes me sad because inside those minds lots of ideas are being wasted, just because their owner doesn't look at them. I get inspired by my nightmares, by a rolling paper advert that I saw like 15 years ago, by a film that I didn't like but watched anyways, by conversations I overhear on the tube, by the toys of my childhood, by my fears and hopes.

Don't tell me that you don't have those things to get inspired too. Don't tell me that you spent two hours on Photoshop reproducing my idea, therefore you have created something. Don't tell me bullshit. Look inside and watch your own ideas, feel your life and live it, because you are disrespecting yourself even more than you are disrespecting me.