Giving up

I remember the last day we spoke.

He was standing in front of me. I had asked him to talk to me and he made sure he had plans right after so the talk wouldn't take longer than 30 minutes. The walls were all up.

I asked him to tell me what was going on, but he wouldn't. As I insisted, he got more and more angry. I remember him screaming and walking around the coffee table trying to pack some of his belongings. I tried to speak, to ask why he was pushing me away, but that just made things worse.

Then something clicked inside me and I stopped. I stopped talking, I stopped reacting, I wasn't even listening to the words anymore, just observing. Observing him, and myself, and the situation we both were in.

I was feeling really sad, scared and worried. I felt a couple of tears running down my face, my heart beating really fast and my stomach hurting. It was almost nice to feel those unpleasant things because they made more sense and were more real than whatever was happening outside.

So I didn't react. I didn't think about how the situation should be instead. I didn't try to change it. I didn't ask for respect, compassion or understanding. And I didn't leave. I kept breathing slowly and loosing my muscles so they could soak up all the emotions. I accepted life the way it was happening.

I won't forget that day.

Goodbye London

Thanks for challenging me day after day for the last two years (and a beet).
It's been exhausting, but I've learned a lot about myself.

This is my farewell speech:

I got lost in the city and found my way back looking at the stars.
I punched someone.
I went through a breakup.
I shredded 40kg of onions in one go and didn't cry.
I lost my bra in a staff party.
I ****** on a bike.
I had a smoke with a childhood idol without recognising him.
I went to a party where people were dancing naked with lasers up to their butts and realised that I was done with partying.
I found out that I'm a Marmite lover, not a hater.
I stopped a street riot playing "Why can't we be friends" with the speakers out of the window.
I got a job in tech.
I had too many meetings.
I said bye to many people who were convenient but bad for me.
I got a Christmas jumper, pulled crackers and sang carols in the Royal Albert Hall.
I spent eight months doing three hours of commute every day.
I learned how to make a Sunday roast.
I drank pálinka until I fainted.
I lost my mind,
I went through another breakup
and I remembered where I had left it.
I moved seven times.
I got hit by a bus.
A friend died,
some friends got married,
and others got pregnant.
I got a pint of ale spilled on my face by a complete stranger.
I cried on the tube.
And I survived.

Where wisdom comes from

A: I feel like I can't stop making mistakes.

E: If you didn't make so many mistakes you wouldn't know everything you know.

A: ❤️

Big changes

Big changes always shake things inside, so I've been understandably restless since I made the decision to leave.

People ask, of course, "Why are you leaving?" Ha, I shrug and smile.. "For the same reason you want to leave too". I try to look confident because that's what you are supposed to do.
But then, last night, something happened. My brain was attacking me with memories and imagination.

After a few minutes of discomfort, I decided to boldly look where no man has looked before and I stared at my feelings. Scared, but calm.

What I saw was just a small little ego in pain. The poor guy has been beaten up consistently for months now, so I understood. I hugged it and instantly fell asleep.

It doesn't really matter where I go, but this week.. is the last week.

Unconditional support

Shave yourself

The future leaves a print

Every night,
my pillow remembers the shape of my body
and my body imagines the shape of your hands.

Letter to all my ex boyfriends

They say around that to live in peace you need to learn how to say goodbye.

They also say that this is something you deal with by yourself.

So I've grabbed my notebook and my fancy fountain pen and I've started writing my farewell speech to say goodbye to you (or to my memories of you, of all of you) so they can find a place in that space inside of my skull where pain doesn't hurt anymore.

I let you go with love. Believe me when I say that I want the best for you. I want you to find a way to be happy being yourself.

That's why I choose to smile when I think of you. I love you, I loved you all as much as I possibly could, in my own, weird, dysfunctional way.

It's funny though, if you think about it. We had all the ingredients and what a mess we made!

Hahaha.. Ahh.. Now I wave my handkerchief at the station with the smile of someone who says goodbye to a relative who stayed a bit too long.

¡Adiós! <3

Un año de amor

Peckish

Best and worst

Tango

The greatest thing
you can achieve in life
(once you have achieved pain)
is the absence of pain.

My bed is a lake

Incómoda

To my dad..

Dreams

I dreamed about you last night.

In my dream, you helped me packing and you spoke to me about everything that happened in the last month. You were very brave and supportive.

I was very sad for losing someone like you.

When I woke up, a few minutes passed before I realised that the man in the dream was not you, but me. He looked like you, but you don't exist inside my mind, only I do.

Then I felt peace, because I remembered that I helped myself packing and spoke to myself about everything that happened in the last month. I have been very brave and supportive.

Now I understand why I'm not sad anymore.. because now I know I will always have myself to count on :)

Disorder

A: When I walk into a room and something is crooked, that's the first thing I see. Then, why am I able to ignore that discomfort I feel when I help someone who treats me badly?

E: Because what happens outside is a reflection of what happens inside.

A: Right.

Lame

(I'm bilingual)

I'm back

Roots

Live long and prosper

What you avoid, stays
what you face, evolves.